My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Customer is always right
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.