My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman