My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
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When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.