My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too