My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.