My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta