My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“you recording!?”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.