My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat