My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.