My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Time for evil
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.