My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Confused owl: What?!
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.