My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
🤣could you imagine
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I saw this ending much differently.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash