My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
🙁
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.