My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
set yourself free xox
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer