My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
prepare for carbonated trouble
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Lmbo
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking