My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
We need to put an American base on the sun
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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