My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.