@tanyakyi

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

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@dogfather

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

@simoncholland

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

@dubstep4dads

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

@KyleMcDowell86

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

@inmynewskin

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]