My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
You got this…
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.