My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
You Might Also Like
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.