My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
🤣
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?