My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me