My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
yea so i messed up lol
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Have a lovely day 😊
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage