My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.