Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.