My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Never forget.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)