My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE