My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.