My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
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what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
it was a valiant fight
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen