My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Good morning ☺️
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.