My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.


If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.


Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.


It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.


I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.


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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.