“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.