@XplodingUnicorn

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

You Might Also Like

@joeljeffrey

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

@IamJackBoot

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

@bonehugsnirony

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

@Jandalize

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

@longwall26

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

@Shade510

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

@felixoshea

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

@Kendragarden

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

@NicCageMatch

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.