@Rmwspurs “I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
@XplodingUnicorn My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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@Rmwspurs 
@joeljeffrey I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
@IamJackBoot Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
@bonehugsnirony If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
@Jandalize Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
@longwall26 It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
@Shade510 I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
@felixoshea It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
@Kendragarden It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
@NicCageMatch Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.