My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Found the job I’m suited for
They grow up so quick
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.