[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
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This dude got his own movie?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Can we not just call it Zealand now?