My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.