My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.