My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.