My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Livid.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.