My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”