My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button


If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.


This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font


Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?


“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”


[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that


if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.


“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein


{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.


It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit