My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Doggies just call it style.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.