@allisongeroi

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

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@KeetPotato

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@MzCoburn

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@DanMentos

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@pixelatedboat

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@pixelatedboat

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit