My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???