My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.