My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
classic mixup
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.