My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
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I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.