my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.