My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
And they lived apathetically ever after.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.