My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Why is no one talking about this?!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx