*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
kids play hide and seek like
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan