My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
(by @ZachWeiner )
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?