My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.