@Swishergirl24

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

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@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

@Brianhopecomedy

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

@Beakmoo

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

@RickAaron

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

@JustBeingEmma

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

@timdonakowski

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

@

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

@lincnotfound

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what