My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

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She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.


A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”


“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”


MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss


Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.


Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.


Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.


When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.


When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.


I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!


the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what