@Swishergirl24
@Overdue_Bills She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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@Overdue_Bills 
@Brianhopecomedy A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
@sofarrsogud MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
@Beakmoo Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
@RickAaron Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
@patnspankme Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
@JustBeingEmma When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
@timdonakowski When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
@lincnotfound the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what