My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good