My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
you’re damn right i have
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.