“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.